Yes, I know that’s not how the saying goes
I intended to do a lot more research into the matter but I feel like I just need to get the thoughts down, so let’s see what happens.
Memory is a really funny thing
Think back to a time in your life when things were less than ideal. Childhood memories, less than perfect relationships, jobs that drained your soul. Try to think of something that is pretty far back, like 10+ years if you’re able. Keep that in mind as we go along.
Human memory is horribly unreliable. Many people rate their recall as pretty reliable but actually overstate their false belief in their own recall accuracy. I think we all have a friend who claims to remember things from their toddler years, or even their infant years. I’m not here to take that away from anyone, but the research tells us that it is highly unlikely we were able to form any memories before age 3 at best. It reminds me of a time I swore to my aunt that I remembered being with her at a barn in West Virgina where I was born. I remember the barn, I remember her being there taking photos, and I would have bet my left arm that I was there and the memory was true. It never happened of course, and I later put together that I was making up a memory that I had created that was actually based on her senior photos that I had seen growing up. Why did I construct this memory? No idea. But I was so sure it was real, so egg on my face, right?
Psychologist Elizabeth Loftus talks about the Malleability of Memory. Basically, memories are not static things that we create in our minds. Each time we pull one up, it is a reconstruction, and very susceptible to distortion. This is why eyewitness testimony is often unreliable and not useful in court and helps explain how someone can be pretty easily brainwashed over time with the right amount of dedication and influence from a malicious individual. Think of it like a VHS tape (I’m struggling to come up with a modern example for my Gen Z and younger friends) that you have watched a million times. The more you watch it, the more the ribbon becomes degraded and causes the picture to degrade. It’s kinda like that, but if the VCR was able to try and correct these distortions by adding corrections it thinks makes sense.
There are a couple of theories and biases that humans employ that lead us to looking back on the past more favorably than it actually was. The Fading Affect Bias is a big part of that. As time passes, negative associations and memories fade from our minds faster than positive ones. So, the more time that passes, the more we look back on periods of our life as more positive than they may have actually been. It helps explain why for example, I can look back on my marriage now and remember it pretty fondly, or remember my childhood and not be as crippled by the memories of abuse, but associate that period with more memories of camping trips and family picnics. There is some comfort in that thought since
Knowing That I Might Look Back On This Time Positively Gives Me Hope To Keep Moving Forward
Every time I think that life can’t get any loer or more disappointing, by golly the universe sets out to prove that it can, in fact, do me one better. Like many of you I am in this period of life where I can take two steps forward and feel really good then something happens that knocks me back 5 steps. It’s like I’m trying to walk through quicksand (an issue younger me honestly thought would be more predominant in my life. Anyone else disappointed in the supreme lack of quicksand in their lives?). I know that your reality is shaped by how you look at situations and a positive mindset leads to more positive outcomes. I get that. But it’s hard, you know? I know you do. I applied to probably 50 jobs over the past 2 months and got nothing. Finally got hired somewhere but not a lot of hours. Truck is still breaking down randomly, so that cuts Lyft and DoorDash out of the equation. Finally got the side hustle websites up and running, but I don’t really have the time to market them. My relationship is on the ropes since he’s bearing a huge brunt of my current misfortune, and that’s not fair at all. School is going, but until I pay that tuition bill I am kind of on hold, unable to register for next semester. The debt/unpaid bills balance is ever increasing. And today I found out that my landlord is unwilling to keep working with me since I haven’t been able to keep up with our agreement with everything going on, and I have 30 days to vacate my apartment. So, I’m trying the positivity route, but with that kind of list working against me, I’ve had variable results.
All Of That To Say
It’s oddly comforting to think that I’ve felt like this before. I’ve definitely felt like my life was over and I didn’t know how I was going to figure out how to move forward. This feels like a unique situation as I’ve never really been this far down, but I’m sure I have said that before and just can’t remember it. I look forward to the day that I can look back on this time and remember the really good things that are going on, the cool things I’ve been able to be a part of, and find some sort of Touched By an Angel style story to tell that might help someone in the future. So if you’re going through hell right now, you aren’t alone. Just remember that we can only do things one day at a time. Or maybe one hour at a time. Someone told me once that we can do anything for 20 minutes. Nothing is so terrible that we can’t get through 20 minutes of it. It’s kinda reductive, but honestly, it helped. Set a timer for 20 minutes and tell yourself you just have to get through it until the alarm goes off. Hey, you made it! Awesome! Now repeat. I know, it sounds a little kooky, but I swear it can help.
Remember, you got this, and you aren’t alone
If you are of a certain age, maybe this will help, Or it will give you a good 59 seconds of catharsis like it did me. Either way, here you go.